He's cool, calm and collected, but behind closed doors it's a different story. Ben a1 talks about the panic attacks he has suffered from since childhood.

When did the attacks start happening?
I've had them all my life. They got really bad when we started a1 and we had to support Steps on tour. I couldn't go on stage because I felt sick. I just worked myself up into such a worry that I'd hyperventilate and sweat bucketloads. I didn't feel confident about anything.

What sort of things do you worry about?
I used to worry about a lot of things. I think nowadays it's about being on my own. If we're in a different country and everyone's gone to bed, there's no English TV, no one speaks English and I'm miles away from all my family, I start to feel funny. I have to go and sit with somebody - I don't care who it is! I drive myself mad on my own. In those situations I feel completely out of my own world. I'm out of my depth completely.

What happens when you have an attack?
I can't really explain it, but my brain goes too fast. Everything becomes too much. It happens a lot when I'm in bed and it's all silent, which is why I sometimes sleep with the TV on. I just start thinking about things like how long we're going to be away for and how much I'm missing home or how worried I am because we've got a big gig. There are just too many things in my head! And then I don't really know what to do with myself. I get panicky because I think it's seven hours until the morning and I think if I don't sleep now, then I'm going to be dead knackered tomorrow for all the promotion I need to do.

What do you do when you have an attack?
I get up and turn the TV on and I just try to keep my mind on other things - just on simple things. I might watch a film to take my mind off all of these thoughts that are going round my head. I try to think of just one thing rather than a lot of things because it all comes too fast! It's really difficult to explain. I have to tell myself to stop being an idiot and then I have a bath.

Has being in a1 made it difficult to deal with the attacks?
I think it has in a way and it hasn't in others. There are many more times when I'm on my own now and many more times where the opportunity to have a panic attack will come up. But I do so much stuff during the day and I'm so tired when I get in that it kind of helps as I don't have time to think about anything.

Have you ever spoken to anyone about it?
I just live with it to be honest. I know what I have to do if I get one. When I have a panic attack I don't think: I'm having a panic attack. I say to myself: don't be stupid. I talk to the other members of the band so they know that sometimes I feel funny and that when I feel like this I need to be with people - just in case I come and knock on their door in the middle of the night. Then they know it's not me being weird - it's just me not feeling comfortable. I've actually listened to a couple of relaxation tapes and that works for some people, but it doesn't work for me!

What would be your advice to anyone else in the same situation?
Just try to relax, breathe evenly and concentrate your mind on one thing. Find a thought that makes you feel comfortable or happy - whether it's being at home or what you're going to do when you get home - and think about it whenever you have an attack.

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